50 and 21 on the 31st.

I had this plan to throw a big party in New Zealand for my 50th birthday/New Years Eve 2006, but I had to cancel those plans, since I am not there. You can't miss your own party, can you now. Wherever I would celebrate this day, the reality is that there would always be people missing without whom, the party would not be complete. They happen to live on various continents because my life takes me around the world. As 'the flow' has washed it up, I happen to celebrate this day this year in a place without being surrounded by any familiar faces, dear ones or loved ones. I am not worried about being alone or feeling lonely funnily enough, unlike some weeks ago when I was still agonising where and with whom I ‘should’ spend New Years Eve. Not because I have offers of company, but because I am happy to keep myself company or rather be present with myself, and the relevance of this day. I don’t know how I reached that point, but I am glad I did.

Video still: fireworks, Lugo, Spain

The last time I celebrated my birthday in a foreign place without familiar faces was 21 years ago, also during a ‘gap year’. I had just arrived in Sydney, Australia from Indonesia. That night became a different re-birth of sorts, one that I will never forget. I ‘came out’ to myself. It just happened. I must have reached a point where being authentic (the acceptance of myself) was more important than the respect and acceptance of others. Time to surrender and express an authentic part of myself that was ignored for 29 years.

Video still: fireworks, Lugo, Spain

God knows how I managed to survive that long in 'the closet', but I did. Lack of courage I suppose, but more importantly lack of positive role modeling. I did not know gays who I admired. I could not relate to stereotypes such as Mr. Humpfries of British sit-com ‘Are You Being Served?’ or Dutch TV personality Albert Mol. If being gay meant being like them, then I was definitely not gay. Homophobic jokes and sentiments were not particularly encouraging either. The bottom line was that I did not feel safe to explore my sexuality, so I ignored that authentic part of myself until it became too painful and it could no longer be ignored.


Video still: fireworks, Lugo, Spain

From that birthday forward I knew that being gay or queer was the most natural thing for me; that it is part of my authentic self. For me being queer is a way of being that permeates all aspects of my being, including spirituality, just as being spiritual permeates being queer. This notion does not easily find a platform for expression or understanding in spiritual and queer circles.

Video still: fireworks, Lugo, Spain

Since that birthday in Sydney I celebrate both (re-) birthdays that conveniently fall on the same day. It is interesting that 50 and 21 are both regarded as milestone birthdays, which in my case fall on the same day, in the same year, while being on this quest to align myself more with my authentic (and inclusive) Self.