"Please Reconfirm your Flight before Departure."

Being back in the country I grew up brings many questions each time I visit. Why did I leave, why do I come back and why do I always want to leave again? The answers are not straight forward, I wish they were. I look, listen and observe my feelings in search for answers. I search for mirrors that can show me who I am now.

There is still a sadness around the fact that I once emigrated. Sad that I did not feel comfortable here, sad that I felt the urge to go away, so far away, the furthest one can go physically on this planet from family, friends and the place I called home. The reality was that despite it was called home, I did not feel at home no matter how familiar it was. I did not feel this was a place where I could be 'me', or rather could grow to become me. It would have been much easier on a practical and emotional level to just stay here, but not on a developmental spiritual level. I think it was the desire for growth that motivated me most to move away.

I am very much a 'product' of this culture. I lived longer here than anywhere else. I often wonder how much of 'them' is still part of me. The longer I am away, the less I feel at home in this culture, the less I feel a connection with it's people and their way of living/thinking/being. I guess I have changed, and so have they, and with time the gap increases. I can do 'being Dutch', as I was raised that way, but more and more it feels like acting. It has become an uncomfortable act. I have concluded once again that time has come for me to leave, leave the Netherlands and leave Europe all together because if I act too long I become uncomfortable and I experience my stay as a Procrustean dismemberment.

I still have to spend a few weeks here before I am ready to move on to India where I intend to spend a few months. I won't be bored, there is still some filming to be done. My favorite subject is windmills. I have been filming them for the last 10 years. They are my axis mundi. They symbolise a spiritual connection with The Netherlands for me.

The questions that are raised when I visit my country of origin produce the same answers each time. I seem to go round and round in circles just like the wings of windmills, a confirmation perhaps that I did make the right choice for myself 20 years ago.