Holidays

Christmas tree in Bratislava

Same question, different year: what to do for the holidays?

Seeing everything lit up for the holidays in Bratislava last weekend made me realise how close Christmas, New Years and last but not least my (50th) birthday are getting. It has never been my favourite time of the year, too much food ( no good for me), alcohol (even worse) and obligations and yet, not being part of it feels very awkward, uncomfortable and emphasises loneliness. I just wish it would pass unnoticed, but it doesn't, no matter how much I would like to ignore the 'festive season' it bugs me, makes me restless and irritable rather than peaceful. There is a lot of resistance in me to just surrender and be part of it in any way, I have no idea why. There is an urge to raise my hand and say: but... but... but... But what is it that I want to say? What is my protest?

Why can't I just surrender and celebrate? I do not know. I am at a loss, every year. I always feel better as soon as the 1st of January arrives, but that only lasts till the following December, as no resolution has been arrived at in the mean time.

This year I feel the added pressure to figure out what I want to do for my 50th birthday. I would like to do something, you know, 50, the big five-o, what better excuse does one need to do something unusual and spoil oneself? But I can't think of anything, isn’t that weird? The ‘spoiling oneself’ may be a nice idea, but seems to belong to ego territory of a child and not be long lasting. What would my soul want? Probably nothing, probably just wants to Be, or does it?