Clutter Chain

Image: video still gompa interior, Ladakh, India, 2005

Once assets
Once precious
Once future
Once progress

Change of path
Change of needs
Change of meaning
Change of value

Cost of clutter
Cost of cutting
Cost of clinging
Cost of chain

Door White Open

Image video still: Devotee leaving after spinning a giant prayer wheel, Hemis, Ladakh, India, 2005

A dark shadowy room
A gigantic spinning wheel
Ancient
Heavy as
Well-used not very well-oiled

An old devotee
Spinning
Effort and determination
Done
Moving on

Beautiful bright white light
Like the tunnel
When passing over
Blinding
Testing faith

Letting go
Death
No-one promised
No-one asked
I chose

A hard week leaving shadow
Because
A vision
Stepping through
A door

A new realm
Path
Being
Going about
Life

An old wheel
A shadowy room
A devotee
A door that will open
A few more spins...

Shadow of Face

Watercolour by Teo Baba, altered by Marcel Baaijens

A hard week leaving shadow
Shadow of loss, losing past

A hard week leaving shadow
Shadow of death, dying slow

A hard week leaving shadow
Shadow of fear, fearing love

A hard week leaving shadow
Shadow of doubt, doubting love

A hard week leaving shadow
Shadow of hurt, hurting hope

A hard week leaving shadow
Shadow of face, facing broken bridge

beyond-reasonable-doubt.blogspot.com

I have just created a new blog of a publication by Art Compass a charitable trust I established in 2001 to provide support for talented artists with intellectual disabilities. At the moment I am in the process of closing down the trust as we ran out of funding due to lack of government support. To mark the closing of the wonderful studio and galllery we had and to celebrate the achievements of the artists (participants and staff) we published a book called 'Beyond Reasonable Doubt'. Our opening publication was called 'Until Proven'. Visual language is the first language for most of the artists, we have kept written language to a minimum in this publication.

I am in the midst of packing up and cleaning the studio. It is a sad task, quite depressing at times as the studio was a magic and energetic place. I have to remind myself that when one cycle ends a new one will be born. This image of a monk cleaning is a reminder to accept the task I have to do (since I find it hard to do with enthousiasm or joy, the alternative modes of operating according to Eckhart Tolle).

Visitors from Space

Image: compilation of video stills. People from Delhi walking in the Himalaya's in rented fur coats, 2005.

I am humbled and intrigued by the many people visiting my blog. I would love to recieve feedback about what makes you visit this blog, and what you were searching for at the time, thanks Marcel

Flags of Freedom

Image: video still, Tibetan Prayer Flags, Ladakh, India, 2005.

Wind plays
Wind decays
Wind prays
Impermanence
Wind
Free to go

Defining Identity

Image: video still 'De Molen' (Dutch for 'The Mill') Foxton, New Zealand.

Flags identify
Know
Friend or foe

Flags identify
Boundary
Ego territory

Different flags
Same wind
Same mill

I'd love to be flag free

Seeking Sun Finding Light in Noosa

One day I was in bad shape, emotionally and physically. I was on holiday in Noosa, Australia a town I did not know. I barely managed to walk into town. I needed help. I had no idea what to look for. There were many alternative healing places around, but how to choose? The state I was in was stressful, making important choices such as these difficult. A massage sounded good as it could relieve some of the tension in my twisted back, but I needed a good massage, not just a bit of pampering. I was clear on that but I still had no idea how to find the right therapist.

So I had to surrender, ahhhhh that old challenge of surrender popping up again.

I asked for ‘help’: please guide me to the right place and person. I did’t know who I was asking, myself, God, saints, spirit guides, guardian angels, I did not care, anyone will do, please, now!

I allowed myself to drift through the street with therapy centres left and right. Looking at the information signs outside their doors was of little assistancence. I (ego me?) could not make a rational decision, I was in too much pain for that part of me to function.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, come on anyone, this is agony, please help!

O.K. this one. A choice was made, not sure if it was the right one. Would I (ego me?) recognise the answer to my cry for help when presented with one? A therapist was on site and available, bingo! But... I had sort of hoped for a male therapist. I (ego me?) felt desperate for some male nurturing. I was in too much discomfort to let ego get in the way that day. So I surrendered, yet again, right, no more doubting, on the table of Kylie Boshammer.

Shortly after the start of the session Kylie sensed ‘stuff going on' and decided to share her observations with me. Tears rolled, I did not have to say or explain anything, she said it all. The power of witnessing and acknowledgement were at work, what a blessing. For the time being I could let go of the need to ‘hang on’ to all my pain. I had to take it all back on board of course after the session, but I was given a glimse of life without all that pain. At the end of the session she offered me a reading using Crystal Ally Cards (see also 'Moon Time' post). The message was of profound spiritual nature, just what I needed in this moment of utter turmoil. My body was in crisis, my relationship was in crisis, I was grieving my mother's passing, it seemed my whole life was in crisis. Life wasn't sweet. It was high time to change, but how, and where does one begin?

The holiday in Noosa was the beginning of the end of the relationship with my long time partner. I was very confused about the thought of separation as I believed I had found my soulmate. We battled long and hard to be together, overcoming serious discrimination as an international same-sex couple for six years. I believed that there is only one soulmate in one’s lifetime, how on earth could I contemplate separating from this man. Not much later, after the holiday, he helped me out by popping the question/statement, “perhaps we should separate”, and so we did.

I was very unwell at the time. While shopping for a set of the Crystal Ally cards in a Noosa book store a book jumped out at me: 'hypoglacemia'. A self-diagnosis was made of the condition that western medicine has no cure for. The day that book jumped out was the beginning of a long healing process that soon will be further documented on a separate blog. That healing process is very much part of the journey I embarked on in 2001.

Echhart Tolle talks in his book ‘A New Earth’ about ego and recognises that not just individuals but also groups of people have egos, even nations. I can now see how our relationship had its own ego, an ego that did not serve me anymore, and I can only guess, but it probably did no longer serve either of us. I am grateful that we set each other free, without struggle really, still able to be supportive of each other today.

That was a good holiday in Noosa!

Moon Time

Cards
For guidance
When questions
Need time
To ‘sleep’on it

Stirred
Wondering
How to
Connect
With mate

Asking
Shuffling
Feeling
Till one
Answers

Moon time
Time
To invoke
Femininity
Within

Moon time
Time
To cleanse
Self
Within

Moon time
Time
To enter
Void of potentiality
Within

Moon time
Time
To recharge
Void of creativity
Within

Moon time
Time
To regenerate
Life
Within

Moon time
Time
To trust
Mystery of life
Within

Moon time
Time
To see
Force of Spirit
Within

Moon time
Time
To mate
Will come
Again